Real
Name: Phorest Irving Lemonberg
Occupation: Druid/Cubicle
Monkey
Base of Operations: the
Bachlorville Apartments, Norport
Marital Status: Swinging
Single
It was all going so well for Phorest. He had a
well-paying job filling out paperwork that must have been good
for something – they paid for it after all. Why would someone be
put into a six by six cubicle for eight hours a day if not to serve
some greater purpose? Best of all, he was getting free coffee and
doughnuts; and on casual Friday's he could wear jeans!
As he went to elevator to drop off some things
in the mailroom one day, it hit him: The doors opened to reveal
a pair of his coworkers REALLY enjoying their elevator ride. The
image burned into his head as he wondered what sort of people would
do something like that – and in that in a public place too! "Sure,
it was not a bad thing," he told himself. "Why, he himself hoped
to get into one or two of those positions someday. However, at
the moment, he was too busy with work to go out and find that right
woman." Ah, the lies we tell ourselves…
The image continued to linger as the weeks drifted
by. He would find himself looking over paperwork and suddenly find
the numbers and letters "getting it on" before his eyes. Even the
company logo started doing dirty things to itself. It reached the
point where he had to put away a family photograph for fear of
what the people in the picture might start doing. Especially when
he started wondering, just what his sister would be doing in it…
Then one weekend during a company retreat to further
teamwork, Phil became separated from the group. This is a nice
way of saying, "While taking a leak, he slipped and rolled down
a hill." Fortunately, his embarrassing roll brought him (with his
pants around his ankles) into a circle of druids who could tend
to his wounds… among other things. You know the sort of ceremony
we mean: The kind that people say is dirty and wrong, while in
the back of their mind a naughty little spot smiles because they'd
like to see if it's true or not – and maybe join in.
A whole lotta action later, Phil was the man we
now know and love (or fear). Feel free to take your pick.
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