by
I Sing The Songs and Angeline, The Original Fat cat
(Scene, a confectionery store, the setting is a fairly pleasant
one, central colours being white and pink. The owner (ISTS) is
putting his trousers back on, a Mazouki player plays a fairly
repetitive, but not unpleasant melody)
ISTS: god, I tell yah, you have to be a man to
wear tights.
(The sound of gluttonous gorging starts up off
screen but is all but drowned out by the mazouki playing, both
noises continue through the action. A customer (Red Stephie) enters
the shop)
Red: hello?
ISTS: ah, hello madam, and welcome to the National
Emporium De Confectionery.
Red: right, well I'm wondering if you might be
able to help me.
ISTS: certainly madam, whilst it springs to mind,
do you mind the mazouki?
Red: no, I admire a practitioner of the unknown
musical arts as much as anyone.
ISTS: sorry?
(She gets out her American/West Country phrase
book and rifles through it)
Red: eee, oi don' mind bit o' music, ee forst
too!
ISTS: wonderful, so, how might we help you madam?
Red: ah, well I was just walking around when
the thought occurred to me that I was feeling a mite peckish.
ISTS: peckish.
(Checks phrase book)
Red: ee, ooh arrr, in aff 'ungry loike.
ISTS: oh, I see, and so…
Red: and so I thought to myself, ' a bit of fermented
curd rendered into a sugary confectionery would certainly hit the
proverbial spot'.
ISTS: sorry?
(Checks phrase book)
Red: oid loike too boi ay cheesecake.
ISTS: ah, excellent choice if I may voice my
humble opinion, we here at the National Emporium De Confectionery
pride ourselves on our fine selection of the desert you require
madam, so, what type of cake were you thinking of?
Red: err, Strawberry?
ISTS: nope
Red: you don't have any?
ISTS: ran out just this morning.
(He snorts loudly; there is a brief squeak)
Red: what was that?
ISTS: forgive me, a ferret has been stuck up
my nose for a fair few weeks now, I've even written a song about
it. You wouldn't like to hear it would you?
Red: well no, I'm a bit hungry for songs at the
mo'
ISTS: ok, carry on.
Red: Chocolate?
ISTS: no.
Red: Raspberry?
ISTS: no.
Red: Praline?
ISTS: yes?
Red: good, I'll have some praline cheesecake
then.
ISTS: what, oh no I thought you meant me, Derek
Praline, that's my name.
Red: oh, do you have any Praline cheesecake?
ISTS: no, none.
Red: Blueberry?
ISTS: no.
Red: Almond?
ISTS: yes, I think we have some.
Red: good, almond it is then.
ISTS: ah (looks behind him) it is a bit crunchy.
Red: surely that's the point of having almonds
in it, fetch it hither!
ISTS: well, it's a bit crunchier than you might
like madam.
Red: I like it, I don't care if its one giant
almond, get me some!
ISTS: oh, the cats eaten it.
Red: ooooooookay, Walnut whip?
ISTS: no.
Red: fudge?
ISTS: no.
Red: toffee?
ISTS: no.
Red: banana?
ISTS: nope
Red: lemon?
ISTS: no
Red: cinnamon?
ISTS: no
Red: (getting desperate) Butterscotch?
ISTS: no
Red: pineapple?
ISTS: no
Red: do you have any cheesecake at all?
ISTS: we might do.
Red: but do you?
ISTS: weeeeeeeeell, no, no we don't have any
cheesecake at all.
Red: desserts, do you have any other deserts?
ISTS: none at all, the cat ate them.
Red: I'd like to see the cat that could eat an
entire storesworth of sweets.
ISTS: ok, Angeline, come here a moment love.
Angeline: (from off screen) (Moans, obviously
stuffed to the gills) ooooh, do I have to?
ISTS: this lady here wants to see you.
Angeline: ok, hold on a mo'.
(There is a sound like liquid sloshing around
in a bucket, it stops abruptly)
Angeline: But shut off that bloody mazouki!
(The mazouki player stops and leaves)
Angeline: thankyou, ok.
(Enter Angeline, she is 6,9 and around 890lbs,
butterscotch fur and blue hair left long, she smiles, twirls (leaving
quite a path of destruction as he belly hits just about everything
in sight) and leaves)
Red: oh, well, if you don't have any I'm going
to have to stab you.
ISTS: can I do my song first.
Red: ok.
ISTS: great, maestro.
(Music starts up, organ music, very reverential,
Angeline, the mazouki player and Red get behind ISTS to perform
as a backing choir. ISTS blows his nose which emits a high pitched
squeak)
ISTS:
#I've got a ferret sticking up my nose.#
Chorus:
#He's got a ferret sticking up his nose.#
ISTS:
#How it got there I can't tell,
But now its there it hurts like hell.
And what is more it radically effects my sense of smell#
Chorus:
#His sense of…#
ISTS:
#I can feel a Bare-Bottomed Mandrill#
Chorus:
#Slyly eyeing his other nostril#
ISTS:
#If it jumps inside there too,
I really wont know what to do,
I'd be the proud collector of a kind of nasal zoo#
Chorus:
#A nasal…#
ISTS:
#I've got a ferret sticking up my nose#
Chorus:
#It pokes its head out every time he blows#
ISTS:
#I can stand it for a while,
Although it's absolutely vile.
It's not as bad as last year when I had a Crocodile#
Chorus:
#A Croco…#
ISTS:
#I've got a ferret sticking up my nose#
Chorus:
#And what is worse, it constantly explodes#
ISTS:
#Ferrets don't explode you say?
It happened nine times yesterday.
And I should know, for each time I was standing in the way!#
(Music builds to a crescendo)
Everyone:
#I've got a ferret sticking up my nose.
I've got a ferret sticking up my nose.
How it got there I can't tell,
But now its there it hurts like hell,
And what is more it radically effects…MY…SENSE…OF…SMELL!#
Red: so that's it?
ISTS: yup.
Red: ok (stabs him) what a sad waste of human
life.
Letter: Dear sir/madam. I won't have ferrets
names besmirched on television like that. Like most people my age
I am 50, this must stop.
Alexander 'Ferret Man' Vayne (Mrs
Red and Ferret Man are copyright of TBG.
ISTS is copyright of his parents.
Angeline's beautiful physique is copyright of around 500'000'000
tons of chocolate frosting.
The Mazouki copyright of Mother Russia.
The Ferret song is as featured on 'I'm Sorry, I'll Read That Again'
and is owned by John Cleese and David Frost.
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