by
The Horned Toad
This is the first chapter of a three-part story taking place the
day after WB #16.
The Morning After, Chapter 1: What
Would Tiger Lass Do?
[Vayne Manor -- Kitchen -- Grechen & Janyce
are making pancakes]
Narration: Vayne Manor, sunrise. The Vayne's
faithful butler, Freddy, has the day off, and the family is just
now waking up. In the kitchen, Mom and "Dad" are making pancakes.
[Enter Tiger Lass]
TL: Boy, what a dream I had last night. I dreamt
that Dark Iguana carried me home, and you gave him a cup of tea
and showed him Owen's baby pictures! Ha! Pretty weird, huh?
G: Not as weird as you might think...
[TL holds a mostly-empty syrup bottle]
TL: What happened to the maple syrup? We had
a full bottle just last week.
J: Err, well...
G: We got tired of caramel, and --
TL: -- Say no more.
[Enter Mighty Yak]
MY: Oh boy! Pancakes, my favorite. Hey, where'd
all the syrup go?
TL: Never mind -- it would take too long to explain.
Narr: At the Offenders HQ, a similar scene is
unfolding:
[Captain Kiwi and Iron Mantis]
CK: Come on people, our morning meetings are
important! Do you think Dark Iguana is sleeping in?
[Enter Blood Witch]
BW: [rubs eyes] Gimme a break, Cap. I was up
late last night, remember? Thunder Dog and I were investigating
Carrion's attack.
CK: Ah, yes. Anything interesting happen while
we were stuck in that elevator?
BW: Looks like Weasel Boy and company took care
of it. He's got a new sidekick now, by the way.
CK: Another one? What is that, five sidekicks
now? You think they'd call themselves a team and be done with it.
[Enter Thunder Dog]
BW: Oh, and I found a new litter box for Hell
Kitty. [points to King Rodrick's armor]
CK: Where is she anyway? She's usually up early
to watch cartoons.
TD: Methinks it would be wise to let her sleep
in. The young lady was still awake when Blood Witch and I returned
from our investigations.
CK: That was after midnight! She knows she's
got a bedtime!
BW: So what will we do? You know how cranky she
is when she hasn't had a good night's sleep.
CK: Err, eh, I think, er, we can let her sleep
in. Just this once.
[Giant Ant's room]
Narr: Meanwhile, another of the Offenders finds
himself in dire peril...
[Giant-Ant is asleep, face down. Hell Kitty is
curled up in the center of his back]
GA: (Huh? Oh no...)
HK: Zzzzzzzzzz...
GA: (I've left my door open and now Hell Kitty
has decided to sleep in by bed. Again. I can't move without waking
her up. And that would be a Bad Thing. )
HK: Zzzzzzzzzzz...
GA: (I'll just have to wait for her to wake up.
)
[Vayne Manor, Kitchen. Enter Delilah]
J: Morning, Delilah!
D: Good morning, uh, Janyce.
J: Call me Dad-
G: -everyone else does.
G: By the way, Delilah, I meant to ask you last
night...
TL: (Here it comes...)
G: ...Are you and Owen using some kind of protection?
D: *choke*
G: After all, Owen isn't nearly ready for that
kind of responsibility.
D: Oh, no, Owen wasn't up to it.
--I mean we didn't go through with it!
--I mean, it didn't come up!
TL: (Poor Owen. Mom strikes again! )
G: It's ok, dear, we understand.
D: --The *issue* I mean -- The *issue* did not
come up.
TL: Do you know what she means, Monty?
MY: [mouth full of pancake] Huh? What?
TL: That's my yak.
[just outside the kitchen, Weasel Boy approaches]
WB: (Ok, I'm just going to go in there and pretend
that nothing happened...)
MY: Well, I understand what Mom means about protection...
WB: (Uh-oh. My Weasel-sense just went off!)
MY: ...I mean her uniform's got a big gap right
in front, so those steel plates aren't doing any good at all.
WB: (False alarm. They're just talking uniforms.)
[WB walks in; the conversation stops, everyone
looks at WB, (except MY, who resumes eating)]
WB: (Oh, no.)
[The Isle of Perpetual Night, Breakfast Nook,
Dark Iguana and Sunflower]
S: So what's the plan for today?
DI: Oh, I thought I'd just take care of some
minor business, drop in on some old friends...
S: Nothing major?
DI: Well, I'm having the Zeppelin converted to
metric.
S: Why?
DI: Sheer cruelty. All my engineers will need
to get new tools.
S: [giggles]
DI: Since all of my business is in Supermegatopia
today, I'm thinking I might just park the blimp over the city.
Do you think you can oversee the metric conversion by yourself?
S: Cool! I've never been in charge of the blimp
before.
DI: Then it's time for you to learn. The various
heroes will just wait and watch, to see what we're planning. Your
main problem is keeping the crew motivated.
S: Yeah, motivated! Heh, heh, heh. Can I kill
anyone?
DI: Sure! If he's important I'll just bring him
back.
[Weasel Lair. Greasy Monkey has hacked a small
hole in back of her invincible battlesuit, the Caramel Heap watches]
Heap: You know, I could just ooze in through
that hole and run the diagnostics you want...
GM: Thanks, but that would make the inside all
sticky.
[enter Weasel Boy]
WB: Hi, Gracie. Mind if I hang out down here
for a while?
GM: Huh? Uh, sure. Just let me move this stuff
-- out of your way.
[GM stuffs bunny destruction plans A through
E into a drawer and locks it]
[WB sits next to a cluttered lab table]
WB: Cool battlesuit.
GM: It would be, if I could get into it.
WB: You made the hatch too small? Like you did
with the Weasel Sub?
GM: Don't remind me. Stupid sub...
[enter Janyce, carrying a plate of pancakes]
J: I thought you'd be down here. Are you hungry
Gracie?
GM: Uh, maybe later. I'm kinda busy.
WB: Well, I am. [takes pancakes]
J: You don't have to hide out down here, Owen.
WB: Yeah, yeah.
[Gracie's ear's perk up, but she pretends to
work on her robot armor]
J: It's nothing to be ashamed of, you know. You
and Delilah just need a little time, that's all.
WB: [blushing] Thanks, Janyce
[exit Janyce]
GM: Did something happen with you and Delilah?
WB: I don't wanna talk about it.
GM: (Now's my chance to get Owen to myself! Think!
What would Tiger Lass do?)
[GM imagines: GM throws herself at WB; imagine
the cover of a bad romance novel]
GM: Take me now, you virile hunk of weasel, you!
WB: I love you Gracie.
[back to reality]
GM: Hmm.
WB: I mean, I was coping pretty well with it...
[eating and ranting]
GM: (Table should be sturdy enough...)
WB: ...I mean, I'm a modern guy; I know the score...
GM: (Let me just move these -- they're fragile)
[moves a box of electronics parts]
WB: ...I spend most of yesterday dead! That's
a heck of a strain on the body...
GM: (And this is too expensive.) [moves a laptop
computer]
WB: ...but whatever happens -- or doesn't happen
-- in the privacy of my own room is my own business! [waves a fork
(with a bit of pancake speared on it) for emphasis]
GM: (And these chemicals are dangerous.) [moving
stuff]
WB: That does it, I'm going up there and telling
Mom to stay the hell out of my life! [exits]
GM: [looks at the completely cleared table]
Damn.
Narr.: Will Weasel Boy ever get any?
Will Giant Ant be shredded by an angry Hell Kitty?
What are Dark Iguana's ominous plans?
Will our heroes ever leave the house?
Find out next time!
Note: This is the sequel to What Would Tiger Lass
Do?, go and read that one first.
The Morning After, Chapter 2: Revenge
of the Psycho Bitch Bunny
Vayne Manor -- Kitchen
Kid: Dude! Your mom is kissing some *girl* right
on the lips! Gross!
MY: Hey! That girl is our dad!
Kid: Oh. Ok then. . . .
[phone rings]
Kid: . . . I didn't know you could DO that.
TL: I got it. Hello?
Streets of Supermegatopia -- Mongoosemobile --
Mongoose Guy
MG: [on cell phone] Dark Iguana's zeppelin is
headed towards the city! You guys are gonna need my help. Is it
safe to come over? You know what I mean! The psycho bitch bunny!
Is she still there?
Vayne Manor -- Int.
TL: Oh, yeah. She and Owen worked it out last
night. They had a lot of time to talk last night, apparently. [snickers]
She's decided she doesn't need a slave, and you're a friend of
the family, now. Dark's back in town, huh? I'll tell the gang.
Thanks. [hangs up]
WB: Where's Mom? I wanted to talk to her.
TL: No time Owen, Dark Iguana's back! Time to
get back in the spandex! To the lair!
WB: I love it when you say that.
Offenders HQ -- Giant Ant's room
HK: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...
GA: (Don't you usually watch cartoons in the
morning?)
[Captain Kiwi talks through Giant Ant's communicator
] CK: Giant Ant! I know you're in there! Answer me!
GA: [Can't quite reach the communicator] (For
the love of God, shut up! You'll wake her up!)
HK: Zzzzz, mmmmrowrmmm, zzzzzz....
CK: I'm giving you just one more minute! Are
you coming along or not?!?
GA: (Shut up! Just go without me! Go!)
CK: That does it! You can explain yourself when
we get back!
GA: (That was a close one. I've never been so
terrified. )
HK: Zzzzzzzz, mrrrrm, zzzzz....
Weasel Lair -- Greasy's Workshop
Enter Kid
Kid: Whatcha doin?
GM: [looks at the kid, at the robot, at the kid
again] How tall are you, kid?
Vayne Manor -- Front Door
MG: Boy I hope Tiger Lass was right...
[Delilah opens the door]
D: You!
MG: I -- uh -- No hard feelings? Ack!
D: [grabs MM by the neck] Come with me, slave!
MG: Tiger Lass, you--Ack! Help! Ack! Choke!
Weasel Lair -- Greasy's Workshop -- most of Team
Weasel is in the lair, and in costume
Kid: [in the armor, stomping around the lair]
Mega-kiwi-zord power, engage! Wooaaah!!!
GM: Quit playing around! You're gonna break something!
G: Say, Gracie, is that armor bulletproof?
GM: Bulletproof, EM shielded, and laser-reflective!
G: Hmm. So it's safe for the person inside, right?
GM: Oh, no. Don't tell me...
MY: Yay! Another sidekick!
GM: Great.
[enter Delilah and Mongoose Guy]
D: Husband! [plunks MG down in front of WB] I
give you the slave known as Mongoose Guy! Consider him a gift.
MG: [collapses to his knees] Gasp! Wheeze!
WB: [loading gizmos into utility belt] Um. Thanks,
I guess.
TL: Is he what you always wanted?
G: Can we borrow him?
J: Does he know how to get caramel out of the
carpet?
WB: Um, so if he's mine, that means I can set
him free, right?
D: Well, if you insist...
MG: (Yes! Freedom!)
D: Valkyrie Law demands that a slave must pass
a trial to win his freedom; some final task to completed...
MG: (Oh, bugger...)
WB: So we just pick a task for him, and then
he's free?
D: Well, it can't be something easy.
MG: (Naturally...)
WB: Anybody got an idea?
[awkward pause]
D: [Addresses Janyce] You! You had a task for
this slave!
J: Well, I wanted to know if he can get caramel
out of carpet...
D: Then this shall be your trial, slave: You
shall have your freedom once no caramel remains in the carpet of
Vayne Manor!
MG: In the whole house!?! No way, the Heap's
been wandering around up there--
D: No arguments! The task must be completed or
you shall remain a slave forever!
MG: 'kay.
D: Shall we go?
Kid: Yeah! Let's kick butt!
WB: You're staying here, kid.
Kid: Awww.
G: Owen, I want you to bring her along.
GM: I can control the suit's sensors and public
address system from here, so I can keep up with you guys.
WB: But there's no room for that big robot in
the Weaselmobile.
TL: There's not enough room anyway, if we take
the Heap.
H: I'm staying. I want to help Mongoose Guy.
[lays a comforting pseudopod on MG's shoulder]
MG: (Oh, this deal just gets better and better...)
GM: Why don't we take the Mongoosemobile? Plenty
of room in there. And it'll be more inconspicuous.
MG: Not like *I'm* going anywhere...
WB: I don't know. That's a pretty scary-looking
robot.
MY: Way ahead of you, chief! Why you've been
talking, I've been doing a little arts & crafts! [stands on a chair, ties a big cardboard smiley face to the robot's
head]
Kid: What a great idea!
MY: It works for Dr. Despair. Did I get the eye
holes right?
WB: [heroic pose] Let's roll, team!
GM: I love it when you say that.
TL: Shotgun!
Downtown Supermegatopia -- the Mongoosemobile
TL: Inconspicuous, you said.
GM: [electronic] Looks like the police have already
evacuated the block.
MY: There's nobody here but super-heroes. There's
not a car on the block that doesn't have oil-slicks and ejection
seats.
WB: Let's pick a building and go to the roof.
We can watch from there.
Rooftop of the Kiwi Arms Apartments -- Offenders
are present -- Enter Weasel Boy et al.
WB: I'm sorry, is this roof taken?
TL: We can find a different one to watch from.
CK All the good lookout posts are taken. Here,
see for yourself. [offers binoculars]
WB: Let's look for an un-occupied rooftop, guys.
[Team Weasel scans the skyline...]
TL: There's the Justice League of Supermegatopia.
MY: And the Ex-Guys.
D: I see the Supermegatopian Four.
GM: [electronic] There's the Men-Men.
Kid: Cool! I have super vision!
GM: [electronic] It's just a zoom lens.
MY: There's the All Stripper Squad. They're setting
up a barbecue grill.
WB: Really? Where?
CK: A barbecue!?! Is this a stakeout or a picnic?
Offenders, except CK: (Here comes the speech...)
CK: You know, in my day, there were standards
that a Hero was expected to live up to...
Offenders, except CK: ( G R O A N )
Narrator: Fortunately, Weasel Boy doesn't hear
this speech. He's too busy watching the events unfolding across
the street...
ASS rooftop -- Slut Puppy and Horn Dog [HD has
a significant bulge in his crotch]
SP: Are you still angry?
HD: [irked] The doctor said I can take the bandage
off next week. Still can't believe you bit me.
JJ: [out of frame] I need more sunscreen.
SP: You should have known better than to mention
another woman while we--
HD: Oh, come on! You talk about other guys all
the time!
LD: [out of frame] Me too. You got any, Cap?
SP: It's the timing, Horn Dog! -- Wait, is this
about that stupid tabloid?
HD: Third place!!! You put me in third?!?
CT: [out of frame] I forgot it. Hey Tom! Got
any sunscreen?
SP: I didn't want to lie to a reporter.
HD: I can understand being behind Buck; there's
no shame in loosing to the best...
SP: True.
HD: ...but She-Male!?! You put me after She-male!?!
SP: Hey, you were there, remember?
HD: Don't remind me.
LT: [out of frame] Nope.
SP: Don't take it so personally...
HD: Don't take it personally!?! I get insulted
by my own partner, and --
SP: Oh, that does it. [to ASS members] Hey girls!
Horn Dog has some sunscreen hidden somewhere in his costume!
[enter JJ and LD -- they begin groping HD]
JJ: Oh really?
LD: Let me see...
HD: No wait! Ouch! Bandage ... doesn't ... stretch
...
Kiwi Arms Apartments Rooftop
CK: ...but now these so-called "heroes" like
Buck Naked and--
HD: [out of frame] YEEARRRRRRRRGH!
WB: Yikes.
SM: Hey, I know that blood-curdling screech!
That's Horn Dog! I'm gonna go check it out. [leaps away]
CK: Where are you going? I'm in the middle of
a speech here!
MY: [still scanning the skyline] Looks like the
Unholy Stench has a roof all to himself.
TL: Big surprise.
CK: Where was I?
MY: There's Dr. Psychedelic and Hemp Lad.
TL: Where's the rest of the Commune of Justice?
CK: Oh yes -- these so called heroes like--
WW: --Oh, put a cork in it, you self-righteous
windbag!
MY: There's Captain Fabulous and the Flaming
Avenger.
TL: Are they back together again? They make a
cute couple.
CK: I should have known you'd object, Mr. Hollywood!
WW: You make just ONE more crack about my acting
career...
MY: There's the Bionic Aardvark, Mr. Beefcake,
Captain Loogie, the Atomic Camel...
CK: I am only giving you the benefit of my years
of experience.
WW: Some benefit... (snort of contempt)
MY: ...Sonic Slug, the Crimson Crab, Night Penguin,
the Screamin' Wiener Dog...
TL: [notices the argument] Can I hide behind
you for a minute, Monty?
CK: You snot-nosed little prick! I was fighting
evil when you were in diapers!
WW: Big deal! You don't even have any superpowers.
Just that stupid shield.
D: This is getting ugly.
WB: Let's get out of here. I'd rather share a
roof with the Stench than get mixed up in this fight.
CK: You wanna SEE what I can do with just this
shield, PUNK!
WW: [crackling with energy] Bring it on, old
man!
[Thunder Dog and Iron Mantis struggle hold them
apart]
TD: This is unseemly behavior for heroes...
CK: Upstart! Pinko!
IM: Take is easy, Kiwi. I'm sure you two can
work out your differences peacefully.
WW: Gimmie one good punch, you old fossil!
MY: [out of frame] Hey! I see heroes fighting
each other! Don't they know that's not allowed?
[Wonder Wombat and Kiwi both stop in mid-punch,
looking sheepish]
MY: [looking down, into the street below] Looks
like the Disco Squad is ganging up on the Righteous Groove!
[Offenders, et al. crowd the edge of the roof
to watch]
TD: Three against one? That's hardly fair.
CK: We can't get involved. Mighty Yak is right:
Mayor Dave has been cracking down on Hero vs Hero fights.
WW: He'll take away your hero license.
IM: I don't want to risk my license. It gets
you 10% off at Howard's Improbable Electronics.
TL: ...and the Spandex Center.
BW: ...and the Rare & Eldrich
Bookshop.
CK ...and Fatboy's House of Leather.
[everyone (except Monty) looks at Kiwi]
CK: Well, where else can I get custom-fitted
buccaneer boots?
BW: The Groove is giving them quite a run for
the money
TD: Verily, he is indeed the hardest workin'
man in crimefighting.
Groove: [out of frame] Ow! Good god, y'all! Uh-huh!
IM: Wait, what is the squad doing?
Disco Squad: [in unison] Mirror-ball Laser Cannon!
MY: Everybody get DOWN!
TL: [ducking] (I love it when he says that.)
[All duck as laser beams fan out from the fight
below. ]
CK: They'll level the block!!!
WB: I have a bad feeling about this...
* C R U M B L E ! ! ! * [building collapses]
[Iron Mantis is projecting an anti-gravity bubble;
the other Offenders are floating in the bubble]
CK: Good work Mantis! This is why we spend all
that time drilling maneuvers. I think we can safely call the Disco
squad villains now. Here's the plan: Wombat, I want you to--
TL: [hanging on to IM's boot] --Hey! What about
my team!?! [points down at the rubble]
Narrator: Are our heroes doomed? Will Wonder
Wombat and Captain Kiwi ever have a meaningful discussion of their
differences? Will Horn Dog's nether regions ever function properly
again? And will Dark Iguana get another scene in this series? All
of these questions (well, some of them) will be answered in the
conclusion: To-do List of Doom!
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