THE
RISE AND WOBBLE OF Ohmygodshe'snothingmorethanabigwalkingblotchofcleavage
LADY
a brief playlet by Kris Overstreet
(The Gamma-cup enhanced spokesmodel Margerine
Sinclaire is holding up the demolished wall of a building, allowing
three children to escape imminent crushing.)
CHILDREN: YAY! We're saved!
MARGERINE: Glad I could help some potential fans.
CHILD: I thought I recognized you! I see you on
TV all the time!
MARGERINE: Really?
CHILD: Yeah! I can't wait to tell my friends I
got rescued by BUXOM LASS!
(Margerine goes into shock and drops the building
on herself.)
CHILD 1: Um, you all right lady?
CHILD 2: She's fine! I wanna be just like her
when I grow up!
CHILD 3: Boys can't be like Buxom Lass!
(inside the mostly dark, half-collapsed building,
Margerine broods.)
MARGERINE: ... Buxom Lass? I save their lives
and they think it's Buxom Lass?
(Eyes glow, blouse tightens.)
MARGERINE: I sell three hundred thousand boxes
of Kiwi Flakes every DAY and Buxom Lass gets the credit?
(Shirt sleeves bulge with muscle, rips begin to
form in front of shirt.)
MARGERINE: Well, I'll show them! I'LL SHOW THEM
ALL!!
(In a prolonged, twelve-angle flickering shot
of growth, heaving bosoms, rending cloth and maniacal laughter,
Margerine is replaced by the towering, billowing, swaying form
of CLEAVAGA THE TERRIBLE.)
CLEAVAGA: I'll DESTROY Buxom Lass and anyone who
DARES to stand in the spotlight reserved for ME- Cleavaga the Terrible!
A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!
CLEAVAGA: (Except for Long Tom, -his- flashlight
I don't mind. Yum!)
(Cleavaga smashes her way out of the ruined building,
leaving a hole shaped like the MasterKiwi credit card logo behind
her. The Men-Van screeches to a halt after passing her by.)
FIRE MAN: Did you see that?
SAILS MAN: Did you see THEM?
FISSURE MAN: I haven't seen that much cleavage
since Camera Man loaned me his videotape from the SuperMegaTopia
Jump Rope Team's showers!
SPACE MAN: Those moons are orbiting awfully low...
CHAIR MAN: Men-Men, we must put a stop to their
reign of-
MILK MAN: Her reign, sir.
CHAIR MAN: (Did I say their?) Her reign of terror!
Go, my Men-Men, and save SuperMegaTopia from... from... whoever's
behind those Earthballs.
(The Men-Men strike the generic team pose in front
of Cleavaga.)
FISSURE MAN: Hold it right there! No matter how
much we'd like to invite you back home for a dip in the hot tub,
we can't allow you to continue destroying the city!
GARBAGE MAN: (We have a hot tub?)
CLEAVAGA: Fools! I'll defeat you all with one
heave of my gigantic chest! This city and all within it shall cower
at the name of CLEAVAGA THE TERRIBLE!
MEN MEN: .......... who?
CLEAVAGA (visibly dissapointed): All right, it'll
cower at the name Ohmygodshe'snothingmorethanawalkingblotchofcleavage
*GASP* lady.
MEN MEN: OOOOOOOOOOOH.
FISSURE MAN: You know, that's a really awkward
name there.
CLEAVAGA: What's awkward about Cleavaga?
FISSURE MAN: No, no, your real name. Maybe it
should be cut down... 'Walking Cleavage Lady?'
SAILS MAN: Oh my god cleavage Lady?
POST MAN: Oh my god Lady?
FRENCH MAN: OH LADY! OH LADY! OH! OH! OH LADY!
FISSURE MAN (whaps French Man): Quit that!
FRENCH MAN: Pardonnez-moi.
GARBAGE MAN: (Why'd we let him in anyway?)
SNOW MAN: (My aunt up in West Arctica insisted.
Besides, he got us those cameo appearances in the Yeti's last film.)
CLEAVAGA: HOW DARE YOU MOCK CLEAVAGA THE MIGHTY!
(if anything, breasts get even more terrifyingly huge now) PREPARE
TO DIE, ANTS!
FISSURE MAN: ... I can't do it! I can't raise
a hand against such a magnificent spathic display! My powers are
useless!
SNOW MAN: She makes me melt.
FIRE MAN: She can smother me anytime.
CHAIR MAN: Milk Man, now you must demonstrate
you secret powers.
MILK MAN: Do I have to? It's embarrassing.
CHAIR MAN: Don't worry, we left Camera Man back
at the apartment.
MILK MAN: What about Mail Man? He scares me with
those plain brown wrappers.
(A soft "Aaaaaaaahhh!!!" echoes
into the distance.)
CHAIR MAN: He just got cancelled. The fate of
SuperMegaTopia rests with you alone!
MILK MAN: All right, hold my shirt...
(ONE UNSPEAKABLE ACT FORTIFIED WITH CALCIUM AND
NINE ESSENTIAL VITAMINS LATER)
(Milk Man pulls her shirt back on as Cleavaga,
covered with a strange sticky substance and lying on her back pinned
under her mountainous mammaries, threatens revenge.)
CLEAVAGA: I'll get you! I'll hunt you down and
destroy you all! Just as soon as I roll myself over! NNNNNGH!
CHAIR MAN: Men-men, our work is done here.
MEN-MEN: AAAAWWWWWW!
CHAIR MAN: Let us resume our journey to the supermarket.
Who knows what unspeakable horrors await us in the cereal aisle?
FISSURE MAN: Thanks for bailing us out of that
jam, Milk Man.
MILK MAN: -Please- don't mention it.
FISSURE MAN: (Say, could you do that again tonight?
I've got some sugar in my room and-)
MILK MAN: (Hold your arm out.)
(As we see the Men-Van puttering off into the
sunset, we hear a loud CRACK!)
FISSURE MAN: YEOW!!!
END
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