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Ohmygodshe'snothingmorethanabigwalkingblotchofcleavage Lady.
THE RISE AND WOBBLE OF Ohmygodshe'snothingmorethanabigwalkingblotchofcleavage LADY

a brief playlet by Kris Overstreet

(The Gamma-cup enhanced spokesmodel Margerine Sinclaire is holding up the demolished wall of a building, allowing three children to escape imminent crushing.)

CHILDREN: YAY! We're saved!

MARGERINE: Glad I could help some potential fans.

CHILD: I thought I recognized you! I see you on TV all the time!

MARGERINE: Really?

CHILD: Yeah! I can't wait to tell my friends I got rescued by BUXOM LASS!

(Margerine goes into shock and drops the building on herself.)

CHILD 1: Um, you all right lady?

CHILD 2: She's fine! I wanna be just like her when I grow up!

CHILD 3: Boys can't be like Buxom Lass!

(inside the mostly dark, half-collapsed building, Margerine broods.)

MARGERINE: ... Buxom Lass? I save their lives and they think it's Buxom Lass?

(Eyes glow, blouse tightens.)

MARGERINE: I sell three hundred thousand boxes of Kiwi Flakes every DAY and Buxom Lass gets the credit?

(Shirt sleeves bulge with muscle, rips begin to form in front of shirt.)

MARGERINE: Well, I'll show them! I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!!

(In a prolonged, twelve-angle flickering shot of growth, heaving bosoms, rending cloth and maniacal laughter, Margerine is replaced by the towering, billowing, swaying form of CLEAVAGA THE TERRIBLE.)

CLEAVAGA: I'll DESTROY Buxom Lass and anyone who DARES to stand in the spotlight reserved for ME- Cleavaga the Terrible! A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

CLEAVAGA: (Except for Long Tom, -his- flashlight I don't mind. Yum!)

(Cleavaga smashes her way out of the ruined building, leaving a hole shaped like the MasterKiwi credit card logo behind her. The Men-Van screeches to a halt after passing her by.)

FIRE MAN: Did you see that?

SAILS MAN: Did you see THEM?

FISSURE MAN: I haven't seen that much cleavage since Camera Man loaned me his videotape from the SuperMegaTopia Jump Rope Team's showers!

SPACE MAN: Those moons are orbiting awfully low...

CHAIR MAN: Men-Men, we must put a stop to their reign of-

MILK MAN: Her reign, sir.

CHAIR MAN: (Did I say their?) Her reign of terror! Go, my Men-Men, and save SuperMegaTopia from... from... whoever's behind those Earthballs.

(The Men-Men strike the generic team pose in front of Cleavaga.)

FISSURE MAN: Hold it right there! No matter how much we'd like to invite you back home for a dip in the hot tub, we can't allow you to continue destroying the city!

GARBAGE MAN: (We have a hot tub?)

CLEAVAGA: Fools! I'll defeat you all with one heave of my gigantic chest! This city and all within it shall cower at the name of CLEAVAGA THE TERRIBLE!

MEN MEN: .......... who?

CLEAVAGA (visibly dissapointed): All right, it'll cower at the name Ohmygodshe'snothingmorethanawalkingblotchofcleavage *GASP* lady.

MEN MEN: OOOOOOOOOOOH.

FISSURE MAN: You know, that's a really awkward name there.

CLEAVAGA: What's awkward about Cleavaga?

FISSURE MAN: No, no, your real name. Maybe it should be cut down... 'Walking Cleavage Lady?'

SAILS MAN: Oh my god cleavage Lady?

POST MAN: Oh my god Lady?

FRENCH MAN: OH LADY! OH LADY! OH! OH! OH LADY!

FISSURE MAN (whaps French Man): Quit that!

FRENCH MAN: Pardonnez-moi.

GARBAGE MAN: (Why'd we let him in anyway?)

SNOW MAN: (My aunt up in West Arctica insisted. Besides, he got us those cameo appearances in the Yeti's last film.)

CLEAVAGA: HOW DARE YOU MOCK CLEAVAGA THE MIGHTY! (if anything, breasts get even more terrifyingly huge now) PREPARE TO DIE, ANTS!

FISSURE MAN: ... I can't do it! I can't raise a hand against such a magnificent spathic display! My powers are useless!

SNOW MAN: She makes me melt.

FIRE MAN: She can smother me anytime.

CHAIR MAN: Milk Man, now you must demonstrate you secret powers.

MILK MAN: Do I have to? It's embarrassing.

CHAIR MAN: Don't worry, we left Camera Man back at the apartment.

MILK MAN: What about Mail Man? He scares me with those plain brown wrappers.

(A soft "Aaaaaaaahhh!!!" echoes into the distance.)

CHAIR MAN: He just got cancelled. The fate of SuperMegaTopia rests with you alone!

MILK MAN: All right, hold my shirt...

(ONE UNSPEAKABLE ACT FORTIFIED WITH CALCIUM AND NINE ESSENTIAL VITAMINS LATER)

(Milk Man pulls her shirt back on as Cleavaga, covered with a strange sticky substance and lying on her back pinned under her mountainous mammaries, threatens revenge.)

CLEAVAGA: I'll get you! I'll hunt you down and destroy you all! Just as soon as I roll myself over! NNNNNGH!

CHAIR MAN: Men-men, our work is done here.

MEN-MEN: AAAAWWWWWW!

CHAIR MAN: Let us resume our journey to the supermarket. Who knows what unspeakable horrors await us in the cereal aisle?

FISSURE MAN: Thanks for bailing us out of that jam, Milk Man.

MILK MAN: -Please- don't mention it.

FISSURE MAN: (Say, could you do that again tonight? I've got some sugar in my room and-)

MILK MAN: (Hold your arm out.)

(As we see the Men-Van puttering off into the sunset, we hear a loud CRACK!)

FISSURE MAN: YEOW!!!

END

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