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Ohmygodshe'snothingmorethanabigwalkingblotchofcleavage Lady.
THE RISE AND WOBBLE OF Ohmygodshe'snothingmorethanabigwalkingblotchofcleavage LADY a brief playlet by Kris Overstreet (The Gamma-cup enhanced spokesmodel Margerine Sinclaire is holding up the demolished wall of a building, allowing three children to escape imminent crushing.) CHILDREN: YAY! We're saved! MARGERINE: Glad I could help some potential fans. CHILD: I thought I recognized you! I see you on TV all the time! MARGERINE: Really? CHILD: Yeah! I can't wait to tell my friends I got rescued by BUXOM LASS! (Margerine goes into shock and drops the building on herself.) CHILD 1: Um, you all right lady? CHILD 2: She's fine! I wanna be just like her when I grow up! CHILD 3: Boys can't be like Buxom Lass! (inside the mostly dark, half-collapsed building, Margerine broods.) MARGERINE: ... Buxom Lass? I save their lives and they think it's Buxom Lass? (Eyes glow, blouse tightens.) MARGERINE: I sell three hundred thousand boxes of Kiwi Flakes every DAY and Buxom Lass gets the credit? (Shirt sleeves bulge with muscle, rips begin to form in front of shirt.) MARGERINE: Well, I'll show them! I'LL SHOW THEM ALL!! (In a prolonged, twelve-angle flickering shot of growth, heaving bosoms, rending cloth and maniacal laughter, Margerine is replaced by the towering, billowing, swaying form of CLEAVAGA THE TERRIBLE.) CLEAVAGA: I'll DESTROY Buxom Lass and anyone who DARES to stand in the spotlight reserved for ME- Cleavaga the Terrible! A-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! CLEAVAGA: (Except for Long Tom, -his- flashlight I don't mind. Yum!) (Cleavaga smashes her way out of the ruined building, leaving a hole shaped like the MasterKiwi credit card logo behind her. The Men-Van screeches to a halt after passing her by.) FIRE MAN: Did you see that? SAILS MAN: Did you see THEM? FISSURE MAN: I haven't seen that much cleavage since Camera Man loaned me his videotape from the SuperMegaTopia Jump Rope Team's showers! SPACE MAN: Those moons are orbiting awfully low... CHAIR MAN: Men-Men, we must put a stop to their reign of- MILK MAN: Her reign, sir. CHAIR MAN: (Did I say their?) Her reign of terror! Go, my Men-Men, and save SuperMegaTopia from... from... whoever's behind those Earthballs. (The Men-Men strike the generic team pose in front of Cleavaga.) FISSURE MAN: Hold it right there! No matter how much we'd like to invite you back home for a dip in the hot tub, we can't allow you to continue destroying the city! GARBAGE MAN: (We have a hot tub?) CLEAVAGA: Fools! I'll defeat you all with one heave of my gigantic chest! This city and all within it shall cower at the name of CLEAVAGA THE TERRIBLE! MEN MEN: .......... who? CLEAVAGA (visibly dissapointed): All right, it'll cower at the name Ohmygodshe'snothingmorethanawalkingblotchofcleavage *GASP* lady. MEN MEN: OOOOOOOOOOOH. FISSURE MAN: You know, that's a really awkward name there. CLEAVAGA: What's awkward about Cleavaga? FISSURE MAN: No, no, your real name. Maybe it should be cut down... 'Walking Cleavage Lady?' SAILS MAN: Oh my god cleavage Lady? POST MAN: Oh my god Lady? FRENCH MAN: OH LADY! OH LADY! OH! OH! OH LADY! FISSURE MAN (whaps French Man): Quit that! FRENCH MAN: Pardonnez-moi. GARBAGE MAN: (Why'd we let him in anyway?) SNOW MAN: (My aunt up in West Arctica insisted. Besides, he got us those cameo appearances in the Yeti's last film.) CLEAVAGA: HOW DARE YOU MOCK CLEAVAGA THE MIGHTY! (if anything, breasts get even more terrifyingly huge now) PREPARE TO DIE, ANTS! FISSURE MAN: ... I can't do it! I can't raise a hand against such a magnificent spathic display! My powers are useless! SNOW MAN: She makes me melt. FIRE MAN: She can smother me anytime. CHAIR MAN: Milk Man, now you must demonstrate you secret powers. MILK MAN: Do I have to? It's embarrassing. CHAIR MAN: Don't worry, we left Camera Man back at the apartment. MILK MAN: What about Mail Man? He scares me with those plain brown wrappers. (A soft "Aaaaaaaahhh!!!" echoes into the distance.) CHAIR MAN: He just got cancelled. The fate of SuperMegaTopia rests with you alone! MILK MAN: All right, hold my shirt... (ONE UNSPEAKABLE ACT FORTIFIED WITH CALCIUM AND NINE ESSENTIAL VITAMINS LATER) (Milk Man pulls her shirt back on as Cleavaga, covered with a strange sticky substance and lying on her back pinned under her mountainous mammaries, threatens revenge.) CLEAVAGA: I'll get you! I'll hunt you down and destroy you all! Just as soon as I roll myself over! NNNNNGH! CHAIR MAN: Men-men, our work is done here. MEN-MEN: AAAAWWWWWW! CHAIR MAN: Let us resume our journey to the supermarket. Who knows what unspeakable horrors await us in the cereal aisle? FISSURE MAN: Thanks for bailing us out of that jam, Milk Man. MILK MAN: -Please- don't mention it. FISSURE MAN: (Say, could you do that again tonight? I've got some sugar in my room and-) MILK MAN: (Hold your arm out.) (As we see the Men-Van puttering off into the sunset, we hear a loud CRACK!) FISSURE MAN: YEOW!!! END
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