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The Cheesecake Shop
by I Sing The Songs and Angeline, The Original Fat cat (Scene, a confectionery store, the setting is a fairly pleasant one, central colours being white and pink. The owner (ISTS) is putting his trousers back on, a Mazouki player plays a fairly repetitive, but not unpleasant melody) ISTS: god, I tell yah, you have to be a man to wear tights. (The sound of gluttonous gorging starts up off screen but is all but drowned out by the mazouki playing, both noises continue through the action. A customer (Red Stephie) enters the shop) Red: hello? ISTS: ah, hello madam, and welcome to the National Emporium De Confectionery. Red: right, well I'm wondering if you might be able to help me. ISTS: certainly madam, whilst it springs to mind, do you mind the mazouki? Red: no, I admire a practitioner of the unknown musical arts as much as anyone. ISTS: sorry? (She gets out her American/West Country phrase book and rifles through it) Red: eee, oi don' mind bit o' music, ee forst too! ISTS: wonderful, so, how might we help you madam? Red: ah, well I was just walking around when the thought occurred to me that I was feeling a mite peckish. ISTS: peckish. (Checks phrase book) Red: ee, ooh arrr, in aff 'ungry loike. ISTS: oh, I see, and so… Red: and so I thought to myself, ' a bit of fermented curd rendered into a sugary confectionery would certainly hit the proverbial spot'. ISTS: sorry? (Checks phrase book) Red: oid loike too boi ay cheesecake. ISTS: ah, excellent choice if I may voice my humble opinion, we here at the National Emporium De Confectionery pride ourselves on our fine selection of the desert you require madam, so, what type of cake were you thinking of? Red: err, Strawberry? ISTS: nope Red: you don't have any? ISTS: ran out just this morning. (He snorts loudly; there is a brief squeak) Red: what was that? ISTS: forgive me, a ferret has been stuck up my nose for a fair few weeks now, I've even written a song about it. You wouldn't like to hear it would you? Red: well no, I'm a bit hungry for songs at the mo' ISTS: ok, carry on. Red: Chocolate? ISTS: no. Red: Raspberry? ISTS: no. Red: Praline? ISTS: yes? Red: good, I'll have some praline cheesecake then. ISTS: what, oh no I thought you meant me, Derek Praline, that's my name. Red: oh, do you have any Praline cheesecake? ISTS: no, none. Red: Blueberry? ISTS: no. Red: Almond? ISTS: yes, I think we have some. Red: good, almond it is then. ISTS: ah (looks behind him) it is a bit crunchy. Red: surely that's the point of having almonds in it, fetch it hither! ISTS: well, it's a bit crunchier than you might like madam. Red: I like it, I don't care if its one giant almond, get me some! ISTS: oh, the cats eaten it. Red: ooooooookay, Walnut whip? ISTS: no. Red: fudge? ISTS: no. Red: toffee? ISTS: no. Red: banana? ISTS: nope Red: lemon? ISTS: no Red: cinnamon? ISTS: no Red: (getting desperate) Butterscotch? ISTS: no Red: pineapple? ISTS: no Red: do you have any cheesecake at all? ISTS: we might do. Red: but do you? ISTS: weeeeeeeeell, no, no we don't have any cheesecake at all. Red: desserts, do you have any other deserts? ISTS: none at all, the cat ate them. Red: I'd like to see the cat that could eat an entire storesworth of sweets. ISTS: ok, Angeline, come here a moment love. Angeline: (from off screen) (Moans, obviously stuffed to the gills) ooooh, do I have to? ISTS: this lady here wants to see you. Angeline: ok, hold on a mo'. (There is a sound like liquid sloshing around in a bucket, it stops abruptly) Angeline: But shut off that bloody mazouki! (The mazouki player stops and leaves) Angeline: thankyou, ok. (Enter Angeline, she is 6,9 and around 890lbs, butterscotch fur and blue hair left long, she smiles, twirls (leaving quite a path of destruction as he belly hits just about everything in sight) and leaves) Red: oh, well, if you don't have any I'm going to have to stab you. ISTS: can I do my song first. Red: ok. ISTS: great, maestro. (Music starts up, organ music, very reverential, Angeline, the mazouki player and Red get behind ISTS to perform as a backing choir. ISTS blows his nose which emits a high pitched squeak) ISTS: #I've got a ferret sticking up my nose.# Chorus: #He's got a ferret sticking up his nose.# ISTS: #How it got there I can't tell, But now its there it hurts like hell. And what is more it radically effects my sense of smell# Chorus: #His sense of…# ISTS: #I can feel a Bare-Bottomed Mandrill# Chorus: #Slyly eyeing his other nostril# ISTS: #If it jumps inside there too, I really wont know what to do, I'd be the proud collector of a kind of nasal zoo# Chorus: #A nasal…# ISTS: #I've got a ferret sticking up my nose# Chorus: #It pokes its head out every time he blows# ISTS: #I can stand it for a while, Although it's absolutely vile. It's not as bad as last year when I had a Crocodile# Chorus: #A Croco…# ISTS: #I've got a ferret sticking up my nose# Chorus: #And what is worse, it constantly explodes# ISTS: #Ferrets don't explode you say? It happened nine times yesterday. And I should know, for each time I was standing in the way!# (Music builds to a crescendo) Everyone: #I've got a ferret sticking up my nose. I've got a ferret sticking up my nose. How it got there I can't tell, But now its there it hurts like hell, And what is more it radically effects…MY…SENSE…OF…SMELL!# Red: so that's it? ISTS: yup. Red: ok (stabs him) what a sad waste of human life. Letter: Dear sir/madam. I won't have ferrets names besmirched on television like that. Like most people my age I am 50, this must stop. Alexander 'Ferret Man' Vayne (Mrs Red and Ferret Man are copyright of TBG. ISTS is copyright of his parents. Angeline's beautiful physique is copyright of around 500'000'000 tons of chocolate frosting. The Mazouki copyright of Mother Russia. The Ferret song is as featured on 'I'm Sorry, I'll Read That Again' and is owned by John Cleese and David Frost.
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