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What would Tiger Lass do?
by The Horned Toad This is the first chapter of a three-part story taking place the day after WB #16. The Morning After, Chapter 1: What Would Tiger Lass Do? [Vayne Manor -- Kitchen -- Grechen & Janyce are making pancakes] Narration: Vayne Manor, sunrise. The Vayne's faithful butler, Freddy, has the day off, and the family is just now waking up. In the kitchen, Mom and "Dad" are making pancakes. [Enter Tiger Lass] TL: Boy, what a dream I had last night. I dreamt that Dark Iguana carried me home, and you gave him a cup of tea and showed him Owen's baby pictures! Ha! Pretty weird, huh? G: Not as weird as you might think... [TL holds a mostly-empty syrup bottle] TL: What happened to the maple syrup? We had a full bottle just last week. J: Err, well... G: We got tired of caramel, and -- TL: -- Say no more. [Enter Mighty Yak] MY: Oh boy! Pancakes, my favorite. Hey, where'd all the syrup go? TL: Never mind -- it would take too long to explain. Narr: At the Offenders HQ, a similar scene is unfolding: [Captain Kiwi and Iron Mantis] CK: Come on people, our morning meetings are important! Do you think Dark Iguana is sleeping in? [Enter Blood Witch] BW: [rubs eyes] Gimme a break, Cap. I was up late last night, remember? Thunder Dog and I were investigating Carrion's attack. CK: Ah, yes. Anything interesting happen while we were stuck in that elevator? BW: Looks like Weasel Boy and company took care of it. He's got a new sidekick now, by the way. CK: Another one? What is that, five sidekicks now? You think they'd call themselves a team and be done with it. [Enter Thunder Dog] BW: Oh, and I found a new litter box for Hell Kitty. [points to King Rodrick's armor] CK: Where is she anyway? She's usually up early to watch cartoons. TD: Methinks it would be wise to let her sleep in. The young lady was still awake when Blood Witch and I returned from our investigations. CK: That was after midnight! She knows she's got a bedtime! BW: So what will we do? You know how cranky she is when she hasn't had a good night's sleep. CK: Err, eh, I think, er, we can let her sleep in. Just this once. [Giant Ant's room] Narr: Meanwhile, another of the Offenders finds himself in dire peril... [Giant-Ant is asleep, face down. Hell Kitty is curled up in the center of his back] GA: (Huh? Oh no...) HK: Zzzzzzzzzz... GA: (I've left my door open and now Hell Kitty has decided to sleep in by bed. Again. I can't move without waking her up. And that would be a Bad Thing. ) HK: Zzzzzzzzzzz... GA: (I'll just have to wait for her to wake up. ) [Vayne Manor, Kitchen. Enter Delilah] J: Morning, Delilah! D: Good morning, uh, Janyce. J: Call me Dad- G: -everyone else does. G: By the way, Delilah, I meant to ask you last night... TL: (Here it comes...) G: ...Are you and Owen using some kind of protection? D: *choke* G: After all, Owen isn't nearly ready for that kind of responsibility. D: Oh, no, Owen wasn't up to it. --I mean we didn't go through with it! --I mean, it didn't come up! TL: (Poor Owen. Mom strikes again! ) G: It's ok, dear, we understand. D: --The *issue* I mean -- The *issue* did not come up. TL: Do you know what she means, Monty? MY: [mouth full of pancake] Huh? What? TL: That's my yak. [just outside the kitchen, Weasel Boy approaches] WB: (Ok, I'm just going to go in there and pretend that nothing happened...) MY: Well, I understand what Mom means about protection... WB: (Uh-oh. My Weasel-sense just went off!) MY: ...I mean her uniform's got a big gap right in front, so those steel plates aren't doing any good at all. WB: (False alarm. They're just talking uniforms.) [WB walks in; the conversation stops, everyone looks at WB, (except MY, who resumes eating)] WB: (Oh, no.) [The Isle of Perpetual Night, Breakfast Nook, Dark Iguana and Sunflower] S: So what's the plan for today? DI: Oh, I thought I'd just take care of some minor business, drop in on some old friends... S: Nothing major? DI: Well, I'm having the Zeppelin converted to metric. S: Why? DI: Sheer cruelty. All my engineers will need to get new tools. S: [giggles] DI: Since all of my business is in Supermegatopia today, I'm thinking I might just park the blimp over the city. Do you think you can oversee the metric conversion by yourself? S: Cool! I've never been in charge of the blimp before. DI: Then it's time for you to learn. The various heroes will just wait and watch, to see what we're planning. Your main problem is keeping the crew motivated. S: Yeah, motivated! Heh, heh, heh. Can I kill anyone? DI: Sure! If he's important I'll just bring him back. [Weasel Lair. Greasy Monkey has hacked a small hole in back of her invincible battlesuit, the Caramel Heap watches] Heap: You know, I could just ooze in through that hole and run the diagnostics you want... GM: Thanks, but that would make the inside all sticky. [enter Weasel Boy] WB: Hi, Gracie. Mind if I hang out down here for a while? GM: Huh? Uh, sure. Just let me move this stuff -- out of your way. [GM stuffs bunny destruction plans A through E into a drawer and locks it] [WB sits next to a cluttered lab table] WB: Cool battlesuit. GM: It would be, if I could get into it. WB: You made the hatch too small? Like you did with the Weasel Sub? GM: Don't remind me. Stupid sub... [enter Janyce, carrying a plate of pancakes] J: I thought you'd be down here. Are you hungry Gracie? GM: Uh, maybe later. I'm kinda busy. WB: Well, I am. [takes pancakes] J: You don't have to hide out down here, Owen. WB: Yeah, yeah. [Gracie's ear's perk up, but she pretends to work on her robot armor] J: It's nothing to be ashamed of, you know. You and Delilah just need a little time, that's all. WB: [blushing] Thanks, Janyce [exit Janyce] GM: Did something happen with you and Delilah? WB: I don't wanna talk about it. GM: (Now's my chance to get Owen to myself! Think! What would Tiger Lass do?) [GM imagines: GM throws herself at WB; imagine the cover of a bad romance novel] GM: Take me now, you virile hunk of weasel, you! WB: I love you Gracie. [back to reality] GM: Hmm. WB: I mean, I was coping pretty well with it... [eating and ranting] GM: (Table should be sturdy enough...) WB: ...I mean, I'm a modern guy; I know the score... GM: (Let me just move these -- they're fragile) [moves a box of electronics parts] WB: ...I spend most of yesterday dead! That's a heck of a strain on the body... GM: (And this is too expensive.) [moves a laptop computer] WB: ...but whatever happens -- or doesn't happen -- in the privacy of my own room is my own business! [waves a fork (with a bit of pancake speared on it) for emphasis] GM: (And these chemicals are dangerous.) [moving stuff] WB: That does it, I'm going up there and telling Mom to stay the hell out of my life! [exits] GM: [looks at the completely cleared table] Damn. Narr.: Will Weasel Boy ever get any? Will Giant Ant be shredded by an angry Hell Kitty? What are Dark Iguana's ominous plans? Will our heroes ever leave the house? Find out next time! Note: This is the sequel to What Would Tiger Lass Do?, go and read that one first. The Morning After, Chapter 2: Revenge of the Psycho Bitch Bunny Vayne Manor -- Kitchen Kid: Dude! Your mom is kissing some *girl* right on the lips! Gross! MY: Hey! That girl is our dad! Kid: Oh. Ok then. . . . [phone rings] Kid: . . . I didn't know you could DO that. TL: I got it. Hello? Streets of Supermegatopia -- Mongoosemobile -- Mongoose Guy MG: [on cell phone] Dark Iguana's zeppelin is headed towards the city! You guys are gonna need my help. Is it safe to come over? You know what I mean! The psycho bitch bunny! Is she still there? Vayne Manor -- Int. TL: Oh, yeah. She and Owen worked it out last night. They had a lot of time to talk last night, apparently. [snickers] She's decided she doesn't need a slave, and you're a friend of the family, now. Dark's back in town, huh? I'll tell the gang. Thanks. [hangs up] WB: Where's Mom? I wanted to talk to her. TL: No time Owen, Dark Iguana's back! Time to get back in the spandex! To the lair! WB: I love it when you say that. Offenders HQ -- Giant Ant's room HK: Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... GA: (Don't you usually watch cartoons in the morning?) [Captain Kiwi talks through Giant Ant's communicator ] CK: Giant Ant! I know you're in there! Answer me! GA: [Can't quite reach the communicator] (For the love of God, shut up! You'll wake her up!) HK: Zzzzz, mmmmrowrmmm, zzzzzz.... CK: I'm giving you just one more minute! Are you coming along or not?!? GA: (Shut up! Just go without me! Go!) CK: That does it! You can explain yourself when we get back! GA: (That was a close one. I've never been so terrified. ) HK: Zzzzzzzz, mrrrrm, zzzzz.... Weasel Lair -- Greasy's Workshop Enter Kid Kid: Whatcha doin? GM: [looks at the kid, at the robot, at the kid again] How tall are you, kid? Vayne Manor -- Front Door MG: Boy I hope Tiger Lass was right... [Delilah opens the door] D: You! MG: I -- uh -- No hard feelings? Ack! D: [grabs MM by the neck] Come with me, slave! MG: Tiger Lass, you--Ack! Help! Ack! Choke! Weasel Lair -- Greasy's Workshop -- most of Team Weasel is in the lair, and in costume Kid: [in the armor, stomping around the lair] Mega-kiwi-zord power, engage! Wooaaah!!! GM: Quit playing around! You're gonna break something! G: Say, Gracie, is that armor bulletproof? GM: Bulletproof, EM shielded, and laser-reflective! G: Hmm. So it's safe for the person inside, right? GM: Oh, no. Don't tell me... MY: Yay! Another sidekick! GM: Great. [enter Delilah and Mongoose Guy] D: Husband! [plunks MG down in front of WB] I give you the slave known as Mongoose Guy! Consider him a gift. MG: [collapses to his knees] Gasp! Wheeze! WB: [loading gizmos into utility belt] Um. Thanks, I guess. TL: Is he what you always wanted? G: Can we borrow him? J: Does he know how to get caramel out of the carpet? WB: Um, so if he's mine, that means I can set him free, right? D: Well, if you insist... MG: (Yes! Freedom!) D: Valkyrie Law demands that a slave must pass a trial to win his freedom; some final task to completed... MG: (Oh, bugger...) WB: So we just pick a task for him, and then he's free? D: Well, it can't be something easy. MG: (Naturally...) WB: Anybody got an idea? [awkward pause] D: [Addresses Janyce] You! You had a task for this slave! J: Well, I wanted to know if he can get caramel out of carpet... D: Then this shall be your trial, slave: You shall have your freedom once no caramel remains in the carpet of Vayne Manor! MG: In the whole house!?! No way, the Heap's been wandering around up there-- D: No arguments! The task must be completed or you shall remain a slave forever! MG: 'kay. D: Shall we go? Kid: Yeah! Let's kick butt! WB: You're staying here, kid. Kid: Awww. G: Owen, I want you to bring her along. GM: I can control the suit's sensors and public address system from here, so I can keep up with you guys. WB: But there's no room for that big robot in the Weaselmobile. TL: There's not enough room anyway, if we take the Heap. H: I'm staying. I want to help Mongoose Guy. [lays a comforting pseudopod on MG's shoulder] MG: (Oh, this deal just gets better and better...) GM: Why don't we take the Mongoosemobile? Plenty of room in there. And it'll be more inconspicuous. MG: Not like *I'm* going anywhere... WB: I don't know. That's a pretty scary-looking robot. MY: Way ahead of you, chief! Why you've been talking, I've been doing a little arts & crafts! [stands on a chair, ties a big cardboard smiley face to the robot's head] Kid: What a great idea! MY: It works for Dr. Despair. Did I get the eye holes right? WB: [heroic pose] Let's roll, team! GM: I love it when you say that. TL: Shotgun! Downtown Supermegatopia -- the Mongoosemobile TL: Inconspicuous, you said. GM: [electronic] Looks like the police have already evacuated the block. MY: There's nobody here but super-heroes. There's not a car on the block that doesn't have oil-slicks and ejection seats. WB: Let's pick a building and go to the roof. We can watch from there. Rooftop of the Kiwi Arms Apartments -- Offenders are present -- Enter Weasel Boy et al. WB: I'm sorry, is this roof taken? TL: We can find a different one to watch from. CK All the good lookout posts are taken. Here, see for yourself. [offers binoculars] WB: Let's look for an un-occupied rooftop, guys. [Team Weasel scans the skyline...] TL: There's the Justice League of Supermegatopia. MY: And the Ex-Guys. D: I see the Supermegatopian Four. GM: [electronic] There's the Men-Men. Kid: Cool! I have super vision! GM: [electronic] It's just a zoom lens. MY: There's the All Stripper Squad. They're setting up a barbecue grill. WB: Really? Where? CK: A barbecue!?! Is this a stakeout or a picnic? Offenders, except CK: (Here comes the speech...) CK: You know, in my day, there were standards that a Hero was expected to live up to... Offenders, except CK: ( G R O A N ) Narrator: Fortunately, Weasel Boy doesn't hear this speech. He's too busy watching the events unfolding across the street... ASS rooftop -- Slut Puppy and Horn Dog [HD has a significant bulge in his crotch] SP: Are you still angry? HD: [irked] The doctor said I can take the bandage off next week. Still can't believe you bit me. JJ: [out of frame] I need more sunscreen. SP: You should have known better than to mention another woman while we-- HD: Oh, come on! You talk about other guys all the time! LD: [out of frame] Me too. You got any, Cap? SP: It's the timing, Horn Dog! -- Wait, is this about that stupid tabloid? HD: Third place!!! You put me in third?!? CT: [out of frame] I forgot it. Hey Tom! Got any sunscreen? SP: I didn't want to lie to a reporter. HD: I can understand being behind Buck; there's no shame in loosing to the best... SP: True. HD: ...but She-Male!?! You put me after She-male!?! SP: Hey, you were there, remember? HD: Don't remind me. LT: [out of frame] Nope. SP: Don't take it so personally... HD: Don't take it personally!?! I get insulted by my own partner, and -- SP: Oh, that does it. [to ASS members] Hey girls! Horn Dog has some sunscreen hidden somewhere in his costume! [enter JJ and LD -- they begin groping HD] JJ: Oh really? LD: Let me see... HD: No wait! Ouch! Bandage ... doesn't ... stretch ... Kiwi Arms Apartments Rooftop CK: ...but now these so-called "heroes" like Buck Naked and-- HD: [out of frame] YEEARRRRRRRRGH! WB: Yikes. SM: Hey, I know that blood-curdling screech! That's Horn Dog! I'm gonna go check it out. [leaps away] CK: Where are you going? I'm in the middle of a speech here! MY: [still scanning the skyline] Looks like the Unholy Stench has a roof all to himself. TL: Big surprise. CK: Where was I? MY: There's Dr. Psychedelic and Hemp Lad. TL: Where's the rest of the Commune of Justice? CK: Oh yes -- these so called heroes like-- WW: --Oh, put a cork in it, you self-righteous windbag! MY: There's Captain Fabulous and the Flaming Avenger. TL: Are they back together again? They make a cute couple. CK: I should have known you'd object, Mr. Hollywood! WW: You make just ONE more crack about my acting career... MY: There's the Bionic Aardvark, Mr. Beefcake, Captain Loogie, the Atomic Camel... CK: I am only giving you the benefit of my years of experience. WW: Some benefit... (snort of contempt) MY: ...Sonic Slug, the Crimson Crab, Night Penguin, the Screamin' Wiener Dog... TL: [notices the argument] Can I hide behind you for a minute, Monty? CK: You snot-nosed little prick! I was fighting evil when you were in diapers! WW: Big deal! You don't even have any superpowers. Just that stupid shield. D: This is getting ugly. WB: Let's get out of here. I'd rather share a roof with the Stench than get mixed up in this fight. CK: You wanna SEE what I can do with just this shield, PUNK! WW: [crackling with energy] Bring it on, old man! [Thunder Dog and Iron Mantis struggle hold them apart] TD: This is unseemly behavior for heroes... CK: Upstart! Pinko! IM: Take is easy, Kiwi. I'm sure you two can work out your differences peacefully. WW: Gimmie one good punch, you old fossil! MY: [out of frame] Hey! I see heroes fighting each other! Don't they know that's not allowed? [Wonder Wombat and Kiwi both stop in mid-punch, looking sheepish] MY: [looking down, into the street below] Looks like the Disco Squad is ganging up on the Righteous Groove! [Offenders, et al. crowd the edge of the roof to watch] TD: Three against one? That's hardly fair. CK: We can't get involved. Mighty Yak is right: Mayor Dave has been cracking down on Hero vs Hero fights. WW: He'll take away your hero license. IM: I don't want to risk my license. It gets you 10% off at Howard's Improbable Electronics. TL: ...and the Spandex Center. BW: ...and the Rare & Eldrich Bookshop. CK ...and Fatboy's House of Leather. [everyone (except Monty) looks at Kiwi] CK: Well, where else can I get custom-fitted buccaneer boots? BW: The Groove is giving them quite a run for the money TD: Verily, he is indeed the hardest workin' man in crimefighting. Groove: [out of frame] Ow! Good god, y'all! Uh-huh! IM: Wait, what is the squad doing? Disco Squad: [in unison] Mirror-ball Laser Cannon! MY: Everybody get DOWN! TL: [ducking] (I love it when he says that.) [All duck as laser beams fan out from the fight below. ] CK: They'll level the block!!! WB: I have a bad feeling about this... * C R U M B L E ! ! ! * [building collapses] [Iron Mantis is projecting an anti-gravity bubble; the other Offenders are floating in the bubble] CK: Good work Mantis! This is why we spend all that time drilling maneuvers. I think we can safely call the Disco squad villains now. Here's the plan: Wombat, I want you to-- TL: [hanging on to IM's boot] --Hey! What about my team!?! [points down at the rubble] Narrator: Are our heroes doomed? Will Wonder Wombat and Captain Kiwi ever have a meaningful discussion of their differences? Will Horn Dog's nether regions ever function properly again? And will Dark Iguana get another scene in this series? All of these questions (well, some of them) will be answered in the conclusion: To-do List of Doom!
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