What's New | Supermegatopia | Crushed | Meshworld | Visions | TMBGR | Stuff | Forum | Guestbook | Links | Contact

Owen Vayne's Quest for the Holy Kiwi
Script by ISTS with help from Cpt Anticlimax and Lewton PI. Charctors are coppyright of TBG or Pyton Monty Pictures limeted. Cast: Arthur= Weasel Boy Sir Bedaveire= Red Stephie Sir Luancealot= Knaw Sir Galahad= Mighty Yak Sir Robin/Disemboweld Servent (Second Advisor)= Crushed King Brian= Mayor Dave First Adviser= Captain Kiwi Creep= Iron Mantis Herold= Mad Dr Nesbit Singers= The Flatmates (gotta' love them self-insertions) (ISTS, Cpt Anticlimax and Lewton PI are regailing a king with a song, dressed in their 'Hooray For Everything' regalia) Song: When the trees do blossom full and all the hills are green Oh! Oh! We sing hey! hey! We sing our count....ry Song... [A hail of arrow hits them and they crumple up. Sound of raucous laughter OFF CAMERA.] [CUT TO Reveal a firing squad of ARCHERS kneeling not ten feet away from the group.] [Sitting on the throne on a dais is KING BRIAN THE WILD. He is roaring with laughter. His court is slightly shabby - bearing all the marks of a faded richness. It is a court without women, and nobody does the washing or shaves very well. Perhaps there is washing however on the line over the castle. KING BRIAN'S ADVISERS stand around him. Everyone bears the signs of past injuries (Except for BRIAN himself) I.E. they have an arm in a sling or head bandaged; all the people at court, except for BRIAN have their left arm missing (possibly the result of some violent edict a few years back)] KING BRIAN: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO! HA! HA! HA! HA! Oh! Very good! Next! FIRST ADVISER: (a Little uncomfortably - perhaps his arm is in a sling obviously giving him some pain) There are no more, Sir. KING BRIAN: (grabbing him by the collar) What do you mean you filthy dog? FIRST ADVISER: There are no more close harmony groups in the kingdom, Sir. KING BRIAN: No more close harmony groups!!! FIRST ADVISER: We have scoured the kingdom. KING BRIAN: (lifting him bodily into the air and breaking his arm again slightly) You Miserable worm! you wretch! You Walking son of a dunghill keeper! Guards! [Two Rather shabby looking GUARDS approach. (as everyone else they also have their left arms missing)] FIRST ADVISER: Have mercy your MAJESTY! KING BRIAN: GUARDS! Take him away and suspend him by his nostrils from the highest tree in the kingdom! [The Guards grab him unmercifully and drag him off. He whines piteously.] [Back in KING BRIAN's Court. The FIRST ADVISER has been dragged off. There are muffled screams coming from the nearby tree. The FIRST ADVISER is being hauled up it on pulleys.] SECOND ADVISER: Your Majesty, I can find you a Lute player, whose music is passing sweet. KING BRIAN: It's not the same, You thick-headed fool! (KING BRIAN hits her on the back of the head. She falls.) There's no fun in killing soloists! SECOND ADVISER: (picking herself up) He may have a friend... KING BRIAN: GUARDS! SECOND ADVISER: Oh Please your majesty! Please! KING BRIAN: Take her away and tie her kidneys to the longest hedge in the kingdom! [The GUARDS drag the ADVISER roughly away.] SECOND ADVISER: No! (She is dragged off screaming and protesting) KING BRIAN: (roaring at the rest of the court) I will personally disembowel the next little bastard who tells me that there are no more close harmony ... [At this moment we hear faintly the sound of singing. KING BRIAN stopped to listen. The entire COURT turns thankfully towards the mellifluous sounds.] WB, Red, Knaw, Monty etc: We're the knights of the round table our shows are formidable but many times we're given rhymes that are quite unsingable... KING BRIAN: Wait a minute! Five point harmony with a counter-tenor lead! (looks out the window, sees Red) And a Diva! [Various members of the COURT sigh and breathe more easily.] CREEP: Thank goodness. KING BRIAN: Shut up! (punches him right on the end of the nose and shouts to the SECOND ADVISER) Oy you! SECOND ADVISER: (doubled-up, Surrounded by soldiers busy with her stomach) Yes, Your majesty? KING BRIAN: Go and get 'em! SECOND ADVISER: (gratefully) Thank you sir! (She staggers off with some difficulty) GUARD: 'ere... We'd just started taking her kidneys out. [CUT TO ARTHUR (Weasil Boy), BEDEVERE (Red), GALAHAD (Mighty Yak) and LANCELOT (Knaw). Plus all their pages. They are riding along singing cheerily.] Red (Solo): We're baby mad in Camelot. We nurse and push the pram a lot. All Knights: In war we're tough and able quite indefatigable between our quests we sequin vests and dress like Betty Grable it's a... SECOND ADVISER: HALT! SIR GALAHAD: Who are you who dares to halt the knights of King Arthur's round table in mid-verse? SECOND ADVISER: I bring greetings from the court of KING BRIAN. SIR LANCELOT: KING BRIAN the wild? That mutha' F*cker? SECOND ADVISER: Some call him that, but he's calmed down a lot recently. SIR GALAHAD: Are those YOUR kidneys? SECOND ADVISER: (covering her stomach) No no... It's nothing - just a flesh wound. (The KNIGHTS look at each other) He has herd your beautiful melody and wishes you to come to his court, that he may listen at his ease. oOoh! SIR LANCELOT: You gotta be kiddin'! (general murmur of agreement from the other KNIGHTS.) Go to the court of KING BRIAN the wild and sing close harmony? OTHER KNIGHTS: No fear! (etc) SECOND ADVISER: (in increasing pain) It need not be close harmony oooh agh! SIR GALAHAD: Ah but it would get round to close harmony, wouldn't it? SECOND ADVISER: Not necessarily ... As I say KING BRIAN is much more relaxed than he used to be. SIR GALAHAD: I mean could we just stick to one line of plainsong with a bit of straight choral work? SECOND ADVISER: Well obviously he'd prefer a bit of close harmony arghhh! KNIGHTS: Ah! There you are! SIR LAUNCELOT: We'd end up like the Shalott Choral Society. SECOND ADVISER: Oh that was an accident - honestly he's so calm now oh! ARTHUR: No we must be on our way. [They start off.] SECOND ADVISER: (by now lying on the ground at her last gasp but still trying to sound threatening) If you don't come and sing for him ... ah ... he'll drive ... oh ... iron spikes though your heads. KNIGHTS: Ah! That sounds more like Brian the wild! SECOND ADVISER: (looking helplessly at her intestines) He ... he ... still gets irritable occasionally. SIR GALAHAD: Like with close harmony groups. SECOND ADVISER: Ooh ... Look if you're scared ... SIR LAUNCELOT: We're not SCARED asshole! SECOND ADVISER: (With her last ounce of strength) Very well! KING BRIAN challenges your to sing before him in close harmony! ARTHUR: A challenge? [The KNIGHTS look at each other rather taken aback but an idealistic glow suffuses KING ARTHUR's eyes as he looks heaven-wards. The other KNIGHTS look at him rather fearfully.] ARTHUR: (majestically) It is a challenge. We cannot refuse. SIR GALAHAD: KING BRIAN's a looney. SECOND ADVISER: Great! (dies) SIR GALAHAD: Are you all right? [CUT TO KING BRIAN the wild on his dias. He sees the KNIGHTS enter the arena.] KING BRIAN: Ah good! [CUT TO TRUMPETERS who executes a rather bad fanfare full of missed notes. Meanwhile various SHOTS of preparation.] [KING BRIAN settling down.] [KNIGHTS being led up to the podium. The last of the previous close harmony group is being loaded onto a cart and pushed away by the CART DRIVER from the film (Perhaps we see him being paid off)] [SHOT of KING BRIAN on his podium and the HERALD being untied and having his gag removed.] [SHOT of ARTHUR and KNIGHTS getting into a group on the podium still rather nervous.] [The fanfare comes to an end, and several wrong notes.] KING BRIAN: (who can't wait) RIGHT! Carry on gentleman. HERALD: KING BRIAN SAYS CARRY ON! ARTHUR: (wispering) All right ... two tenor lines - I'll take the base. Bedavire, you and I duet on line severn, and line twelve is your solo, ok, good? (They all nod) One... Two... Three... [Sound of Bows being drown very near by.] [ARTHUR looks up and frowns.] [CUT to reveal a line of twenty ARCHERS they all have their left leg missing, but they DO have two arms.] [Their arrows are drawn back and point directly at ARTHUR: & CO.] ARTHUR: Hold it! Err ... KING BRIAN! HERALD: (Louder than ever) ARTHUR OF CAMELOT ADDRESSES THEE OH MIGHTY KING BRIAN! KING BRIAN: (trueulently) What? ARTHUR: What are THEY For? (Indicates the archers) KING BRIAN: Them? they're... just to show you where the audience would be. ARTHUR: Well we'd prefer to do it without an audience. KING BRIAN: Oh you've GOT to have an AUDIENCE! HERALD: KING BRIAN THE WISE AND GOOD RULER OF THIS LAND SAYS YOU'VE GOT TO HAVE AN AUDIENCE! ARTHUR: We'd rather give a private recital. HERALD: THEY SAY THEY'D RATHER GIVE A PRIVATE RECITAL! O WISE GOOD AND JUST KING BRIAN AND NOT THE LEAST BIT WILD! KING BRIAN: (to himself) Turds... [HE nods to the ARCHERS who turn and hop smartly off in step.] ONE-LEGGED RSM: Left ... Left ... Left, left, left, left Left ... Left ... Left, left, left, left. [They hop round behind a long fence and disappear from sight] KING BRIAN: Right! Ready when you are. HERALD: KING BRIAN IS READY! ARTHUR: And ... One ... Two ... Three ... Four ... [They are just about to sing when the ARCHERS, bows read and arrows points, peep over the top of the fence.] ARTHUR: HOLD IT! SIR GALAHAD: (singing) We're... [Quick flash of ARCHERS tensed to fire, one tries to hold his shot back but fails and fires his arrows by accident in the air.] [Quick flash of FIRST ADVISER who is hanging by his nostrils from the highest tree in the kingdom, moaning, getting hit by the arrow.] KING BRIAN: What is it now? ARTHUR: We're not entirely happy with the acoustics. HERALD: THEY'RE NOT ENTIRELY HAPPY WITH... KING BRIAN: (impatiently) Oh Sod the acoustics! Get on with the singing! HERALD: KING BRIAN SAYS SOD THE ACOUSTICS! ARTHUR: In that case we shall just have to perform elsewhere. (turns to his knights and begins to usher them off) HERALD: THEY SAY IN THAT CASE THEY SHALL HAVE TO PERFORM ELSEWHERE, O RICH, FAMOUS AND EXTREMELY CALM KING! KING BRIAN: (getting very angry and dribbling slightly) NO! you've GOT to sing on the target are - er - convert ... er ... thing ... HERALD: KING BRIAN HAS STUMBLED OVER HIS WORDS! WHAT A WONDERFULLY HUMAN INCIDENT. KING BRIAN: Don't editorialize! HERALD: SORRY, KING. KING BRIAN: Come on you bastards! Sing close harmony! [KING BRIAN snaps his finders and the ARCHERS rise above the fence without any pretence in concealment - fitting arrows into their bows.] HERALD: KING BRIAN CALLS THEM BASTARDS AND DEMANDS TO HEAR CLOSE HARMONY! WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT? KING BRIAN: I said don't. HERALD: Sorry, King. KING BRIAN: Right! On the count of three ... one ... HERALD: THE KING'S SAID ONE! KING BRIAN: Two! HERALD: THE KING'S SAID TWO! THEY'VE ONLY GOT ONE LEFT! [We hear the sound of bows being drawn back. Tension mounts. The KNIGHTS all look pretty grim. The end is clearly pretty near.] KING BRIAN: (face in a paroxysm of blood-lust) Three! HERALD: THREE! [Sound in the distance of beautiful close harmony singing... 'Bravely, Good Sir Robin was not at all afraid...'] [CUT TO see SIR ROBIN and his MINSTRELS approaching from round a corner of the castle. SIR ROBIN walks a few feet in from of the them looking rather embarrased.] KING BRIAN: (turning to the sound) FANTASTIC! [CUT BACK TO ROBIN'S MINSTRELS... 'To have his eyeballs skewered and his kidneys ... argh!' They are suddenly pin-cushioned with arrows.] KING BRIAN: HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO! Oh bloody marvellous! [ROBIN turns and looks at the decimated remains of his MINSTRELS, surprised but relieved.] ARTHUR: Sir Robin! this way! [ARTHUR leads is MEN off the platform and they are joined by their PAGES and make good their escape.] KING BRIAN: HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HA! HO! HO! HO! HO! HERALD: KING BRIAN'S SHOT THE WRONG GROUP! KING BRIAN: Shut up! [HE swings his sword and slices the HERALD'S head off.] HERALD'S HEAD: (as it rolls away) PRESS FREEDOM INFRINGED! KING BRIAN: KILL THEM ALL! TARGET THE FAT ONE'S ARSE! BEDAVIRE: Im not fat, I'm seductively plump! [hail of arrow filled daeth]
Back to Stories