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The Offenders
by Infinity (Note: Those who missed Weasel Boy 9, go back and read it now. Not all of it. Just three of those pages. Aw, hell, who'm I kidding. If you haven't read Weasel Boy, you wouldn't be here..) Chapter One: The Offenders Supermegatopia. Land of kiwis, super-heroes, kiwis, super-villains, kiwis, destruction, kiwis, weird aliens, kiwis, kiwis, kiwis, babes, and kiwis. In a city filled with super-types, the government naturally thought that having their own super-team would let them keep a handle on the damages. That's why they work in government, and not as scientists or teachers. From their hidden base in the center of the Supermegatopia (you can't miss it, it's disguised as a giant kiwi-shaped office building), the Offenders. well, sit around waiting for something to happen that they can go stop, fix, or make worse. The Offenders happen to be the single super-team in Supermegatopia that has absolutely no secret identities for their members. Thunder Dog is a god, Hell Kitty is too young, Captain Kiwi is too dedicated to the job, Giant-Ant looks too insectoid, She-Male is too green (among other things), Blood Witch is too cute, and Iron Mantis accidentally welded himself into his armor a few years ago. Now, even for a city with so many heroes and villains, Supermegatopia has occasional moments of quiet. During these moments, the Offenders usually sit around the control room making small-talk that would make the writers of Seinfeld cringe in pain. It was during one of these sessions, at three in the afternoon when the Offenders realized that nothing had happen all day. Actually, not quite. It was three in the afternoon when Blood Witch remarked, "Isn't it odd how super-teams like us always have seven members? I mean, why not six or eight? Isn't that eerie?" It was three-oh-five, after a long moment of silence, when Captain Kiwi deduced what was wrong. "Offenders," he stated in his leader-like way that he said damn near everything in, "We have a problem. Nothing has happened all day. This is amazingly odd. Someone must be behind it. To the meeting table!" Five minutes later (Giant-Ant had to use the Little Offender's Room), the team clustered around the Official Offenders Meeting Table ($64.99 plus shipping and handling) and sat down. all except for Iron Mantis, who just stood next to his chair. This, naturally, caused everyone to look at him. "What's wrong?" asked Captain Kiwi. "Um.. Hell Kitty's in my seat." "Well, simply taketh her seat, and we shall proceedeth." This, naturally, from Thunder Dog. "Are you kidding? She wakes up to find me in her seat, she'll eat me alive!" "Thou art wearing armoreth." ".... Oh. Right." "Now, gentlemen. and Blood Witch," Captain Kiwi added, skillfully ignoring a 'Hey!' coming from She-Male, "While we were waiting for Giant-Ant, I checked the computers, and it turns out that not a single crime has been committed all day! In fact, two minutes ago, we received a report of the Men Men and the Ex-Guys getting into a fight! On top of that, heroes everywhere are beginning to fight each other!" "Beginning?" asked Giant-ant, "They always do that." "But now they're not doing it for fun, they're doing it out of boredom, out of desperation. With no crime, they have no reason for being, and they're taking it out on each other, and the city is suffering as a result!" The room fell silent. It was obvious that only a master criminal could have engineered this. Blood Witch turned to She-Male and whispered quietly, "Something's wrong. This plot makes sense." She-Male just nodded. Silence reigned again. Silence was, in fact, having a ver good day suddenly, reigning all over the place. It was about to declare itself El Presidente For Life when the video-screen beeped, ending it's reign in a noisy coup. Captain Kiwi turned on the video-screen. "Offenders HQ, how can we assist you today, citizen?" Every jaw in the room dropped. On the screen was none other than the dreaded Baron Zima, who during a lab accident was immersed in a really bad malt beverage, scarring him horribly. Zima cackled in that evil villain way he had, right into the camera. Then the image went dead. Silence was contemplating a return to power when Captain Kiwi blurted out, "It's them. Only the Masters could arrange something this fiendish.." "Who da Masters?" asked Hell Kitty, stretching as she awoke from her nap. "The Masters of Baiting," answered Iron Mantis. This was a mistake, as it drew attention to him. Hell Kitty promptly launched across the table in a ball of fur, fangs, and frenzy at the armored warrior. The other Offenders ignored their teammate's cries for help as they considered their options. "Well," Captain Kiwi said, "We'll just have to find the Master's base and put a stop to. whatever it is they're doing." Next chapter: Will the Offenders figure out just what the evil plan is? Will Baron Zima and the Master Baiters bring the city to it's knees? Will She-Male get, dare I say it, a bigger part? And will the plot actually become wackier and more messed up like we've come to expect. Chapter Two: Continued by Popular Demand It was night in the city, and the young man tossed and turned in bed, partially from bad dreams, partially form having far too much caffeine during the day. The dull green glow of an LCD screen lit one corner of the room; the rest of it pitch dark except for where dim light came in through the blinds. The man's sleep became calmer and more stilled as peace came to his dreams... and then he was violently awoken by a furred paw shaking his shoulder. "WAKE THE HELL UP!" The man jolted awake, staring at his attacker. In the darkness, it was hard to make him out... but then the thing pulled him out of bed and sat him down before the computer. "Now listen here," Captain Kiwi ordered heroically, "The city's in danger, and for the last two months we've just been sitting in the command center unable to stop it because you haven't gotten off your rear and written anything more! Now, for the sake of Supermegatopia and kiwis everywhere, WRITE!" The young man blinked his eyes a few times, fingers reflexively bashing out a few quick paragraphs. When he looked up, his room was empty, no trace of the heroic Offender to be found. He shrugged, stretched, yawned, and stood up, ready to go back to bed. "And don't make so many typos and grammatical errors this time around!" As the voice echoed out from nowhere, the human leapt back to his computer and began, typing faster than he ever had before. The city was in a panic. Over twenty-four hours had passed with not a single sign of evil activity, and the heroes, desperate for something to do, were staying occupied by fighting each other. All the heroes, that is, except for the Offenders, who ever since receiving their transmission from the dreaded Baron Zima had been unable to leave their headquarters, as Hell Kitty had accidentally chewed on Iron Mantis' remote control for the elevator and he needed to make a new one. The Offenders carefully piled into the newly opened elevator, looking at it with a little trepidation (now, there's a word to go get a dictionary for). "Is it safe?" Blood Witch asked. "Yeah, I mean, remember what happened last time we were in here. The time it got stuck?" Everyone looked at Giant-Ant. "Oh, come on, the air conditioner went out, and cheese appeared form nowhere, and got into She-Male's shirt..." GA paused. "Wait. What happened after that?" Silence attempted to reinstate its reign as everyone tried to remember. "You know," Captain Kiwi said slowly, "I don't remember." A quick look around showed that nobody else did, either. "It's almost like that hasn't even been written yet," Iron Mantis said. "But besides, it's safe. I fixed it." Everyone stared at the armor-encased insect. "Okay, I hired some contractors to fix it." "Good," Captain Kiwi said, slipping back into his hero-in-command tone of voice. "Good work. Now, Offenders... to the Quad-Jet!" The Offenders Quad-Jet was one of the better planes to roll off the factory lines of Boing, Inc, the world's leading manufacturer of super-hero vehicles. It offered everything a super-team could need. Auto-pilot, computers, radios, a DVD player, and a mini-bar. Unfortunately, nothing in the Quad-Jet had the ability to tell the Offenders just where Baron Zima was. "Well, crap," Captain Kiwi intoned as the team piled in. "What do we do now?" The Quad-Jet's video screen turned itself on at that point, Baron Zima's hooded face staring out from it. "What the hell is taking you so long! I have a timetable here, people! You should all be captured and in highly elaborate deathtraps by now!" The team exchanged looks. "Sorry," Captain Kiwi says, "But we had a problem with our writer." Zima's figure drew back from the camera. "Oh. Well. I can see how that couldn't be avoided. Tell you want, I'll give you my coordinates, you can come straight here and then we'll skip right to my telling you my evil plan, okay? That'll catch us up by about seven hours." The Offenders conferred quickly, and decided this was a good plan. After getting the directions from Baron Zima, they all piles out of the plane, went down to the lobby, crossed the street, and went into the basement of the Zima Bottling Co. building there. Iron Mantis said, "We shoulda known." Baron Zima paced about his throne room, glancing at his watch occasionally. Under his purple hood, the pussy scars all over his face twisted and writhed in anger. "Where are they! We should be ruling the world by now!" The elevator doors opened, and the Offenders walked to the center of the room and took up a combat pose. "Alright, Zima, prepare to stop your evil deeds!" "Ah, Captain Kiwi, my arch-nemesis. Took you long enough, didn't it?" Zima reached for a control box clipped to his belt, pressing a button. The Offenders stood in shock as a giant force field surrounded them. "You'll forgive me for bypassing the usual banter, but like I said, I'm on a schedule." The side-wall split apart, revealing a giant video screen, showing a map of the city. "Essentially, my plan is to flood Supermegatopia with my newly reformulated Zima-X beverage, thus turning everyone here into uncool idiots who couldn't farm kiwis to save their lives. Then, with my secret hoard of kiwis and kiwi-related products, my Masters of Baiting shall control the world's kiwi economy, and through that, the world!" "You Fiend!" The entire team shouted together. "You'll never get away with it." "Oh, but I will." "It's impossible. As soon as the city's heroes figure out what you're up to, they'll stop you." "Ah, but my dear She-Male, the cities heroes are already weak and tired form fighting themselves. And before I attack, my secret weapon will be released on the city, leaving it defenseless before me. In fact, I believe you know my secret weapon quite well..." The video screen faded to the image of a dank, dirty cell. It panned left, revealing a large figure chained to the wall in darkness. "No... no, it can't be..." She-Male stammered. "Ah, but it is. Lights!" With a dramatic gesture form Zima, the lights in the cell turned on to reveal the captive. The large man's green skin was broken only by the large purple loincloth draped about his waist, and his muscles strained with every motion his oversized body made. "It's my cousin, Male!" "Yes, She-Male, your cousin. My special Zima-S Steroids have enhanced his strength beyond even his awesome limits, and he has been brainwashed into believing every hero of Supermegatopia is his enemy! The city shall tremble before his might, and then, it shall fall before mine!" The dastardly bastard checked his watch. "Drat, still behind schedule. If you'll excuse me, I'll just be shunting you all off into individual deathtraps. Pity I can't stay behind to watch you die, but I've got a city to crush." The Offenders began to protest, but were cut short as the floor beneath them pulled back, dumping them down a long, dark shaft to their imminent doom. "Well, since I'm already behind schedule, I guess I can take five minutes to get a clean hood," Zima muttered, walking towards the elevator. "This one's all grody inside now." Next chapter: Will the Offenders manage to overcome their writer's laziness? Will Male's super-pumped-up strength destroy the city's heroes? Will Zima ever become a cool thing to drink? And will this series ever get on the bimonthly schedule its writer had planned for it? Find out next time!
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