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The Magnificent Man Spider
by GreekDrM "One thousand nine hundred ninety-eight! One thousand one hundred ninety-nine! Two thousand!" Dr. Raymond Maximus rose from his nautilus machine, his taut, muscular physique glistening with sweat. [Author's Note: Just paying attention to detail, don't get any weird ideas] His space at Supermegatopia Labs may have been small, he reflected, but it offered ample room to pursue his two great passions: science, and becoming totally ripped. He stripped and entered the emergency chemical burn shower. While lathering up, he began examining his body. Not in a sick, Weasel Boy kind of way, mind you, but with a cool, clinical detachment. He had cut out a truly remarkable body for himself: rippling biceps, massive pecs, washboard stomach. Not bad. Not bad, but not perfect. He could be better. He could be... A lightbulb went off above his head. Coincidentally, he got an idea. "I could be superhuman!" Dashing out of the shower, pausing only long enough to towel off and throw on a clean lab coat, he sat down at his lab table and began scribbling computations. Taking inspiration from an old comic book, he theorized that if he irradiated a spider, which has the strength to lift things many times its own weight, and made that spider bite him, then he too would have the strength to lift things many times his own weight! He'd be the most powerful scientist in all of Supermegatopia! (Though he, like everyone at SMT Labs would still cower before Mad Dr. Nesbit.) After hours of painstaking calibrations, his powerful, though admittedly nebulous, radiation machine was ready. Placing a caged spider on the table and hiding behind a thick plate of lead, he pressed the switch, watching in eager delight as a green beam of light shot out of the nozzle and hit the spider, causing it to glow, the most scientific sign of irradiation. Satisfied, he switched of the device and stepped toward the cage. Breathless with anticipation, he rolled up his sleeve and stuck his hand in the cage, goading the spider into biting him. Finally, it did. Dr. Maximus died instantly, leaving whoever found him to wonder what he was wearing a lab coat with nothing underneath and sticking his hand into an animal's cage. The spider, however, continued to live. Not only live, but thrive, the radiation combining with the sudden ingestion of Dr. Maximus' DNA to change it, making it stronger, smarter. The spider rose to its — his four hind legs as the green glow of his body faded, signifying the end of his transformation. "What has happened to me?" he asked aloud with his newfound voice. He looked down at his four fore limbs, then at the prostrate form of Dr. Maximus. "What have you done? I feel so strange, so... powerful." Suddenly he heard a scream from the lower levels of the Labs. Without a second thought, he ripped a hole in his cage and bounded down the stairs to see what the trouble was. As he left, he did not notice the control switch of the radiation machine slip and fall to the floor, simultaneously turning the device back on and adjusting its aim several inches higher, to where a gerbil sat in its own cage, munching innocently on a food pellet... "Okay people, remain calm! Everything's going to be fine!" Lindsey-Dillo realized how hollow her words must have sounded. But it didn't matter. They were probably drowned out by the gunfire. Of all the days for Supermegatopia's ubiquitous terrorists to attack the Labs, they had to pick the day that the tour group from the Center for Easily Frightened, Incontinent Septuagenarians was visiting. Ah well. Such was the life of a tour guide. "Just stay out of sight and for the last time, Mr. Simmons: no, this is not part of the tour!" The terrorists had caught everyone by surprise, which is quite a feat for thirty men dressed in identical black outfits, carrying loads of heavy artillery. They immediately began shooting up the joint and demanding any advance information on Star Wars Episode II. Everyone jumped into whatever hiding place they could find and hoped that one of Supermegatopia's equally ubiquitous superheroes would come put a stop to this, or at least that Dr. Nesbit would turn her inexplicable hostility toward someone who actually deserved it for a change. But it didn't seem like either scenario was going to happen. Crouched behind the counter of the gift shop, Lindsey-Dillo had almost given up hope, when she heard the sounds of a fight. A fight that the terrorists seemed to be losing. Deciding it was worth the risk, she poked her head over the counter to look. What she saw was just a bit confusing. The terrorists seemed to be getting beaten up, thrown around, and generally whomped on, but Lindsey couldn't for the life of her see who was doing it. But eventually, every terrorist had been dispatched and all the lab techs and soiled old people began crawling out of hiding. Lindsey approached the still form of the last terrorist to hit the floor. As she got nearer, she began to make out the form of a spider, standing triumphantly on the generic villain's chest. Seeing her, the spider asked, "Is everything all right, miss?" Lindsey gasped. A talking spider? Then she realized, Why does that surprise me? Stuff like this happens everyday here. I was fused with an armadillo for cripes sake! "Who are you?" she asked. The spider thought hard about that before replying, "I don't know, really. A laboratory accident just gave me the strength and intelligence of a man." The spider changed the positions of its legs just then and Lindsey blushed, looking away quickly. "Those aren't the only manly things it gave you." Looking down, the spider "Eep!"ed and quickly covered itself. "Oh my!" He snuck another quick peek. "Oh my goodness! I think I'm going to need some clothes. Can you help me out?" Lindsey looked down at the spider and smiled. "I think I can get something together for you. What should I call you?" He thought for a moment. "Call me" – pause for effect – "Man Spider!" And thus the legend begins... Meanwhile, back in Dr. Maximus' lab, another cage had been ripped open and another transformation had taken place. Gone were the gerbil, its exercise wheel, its water bottle, and several thousand dollars worth of computer equipment. In their place, a note: "I will have my REVENGE!!!" Next Time: The Wrath of the Green Gerbil
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